Pat Maulsen's Biggest Fear

I have been blessed (or cursed...however you want to look at it) with being an introvert.  Introversion is often misunderstood in an American culture that demands that everyone be extroverted in order to be considered "normal".  Being introverted does not mean that I don't like being around people.  What it means is that I gain energy from being alone, while being around people drains my batteries so to speak.  The opposite is true for extroverts- they gain energy from being around people while solitude tends to rub them the wrong way.

Often confused with shyness, introversion does not equal social discomfort.  It simply means that you don't like being around too many people for too long because you become overstimulated.  This would explain why I am often the first of my friends to be ready to leave a social gathering, even if everyone I'm hanging out with is a friend rather than a stranger.  Even if I just have a bunch of friends over at my apartment, sometimes I prefer to sit in the corner and watch rather than speak up- the more people there are, the less I tend to speak.  I prefer one on one interactions.

As one psychologist put it "[an introvert's] big challenge is not to feel like outsiders in their own culture."  I definitely relate to this.  There are a lot of times that I hate being introverted- I wish that I could always have energy and something funny or witty constantly on the tip of my tongue like some of my friends.  But the reality is that most of my world takes place inside my own head.  I always have something to say but I don't always know how to put it into words without serious consideration (that's one of the reasons that I'm a better written communicator than I am a spoken communicator- hence the blog).   That's one of the reasons why I enjoy spending time with my roommate Kyle- we can both be in the same place together, not say a word, and not feel awkward about the silence.

I find the whole thing really strange because there's a part of me that desires solitude, but another part of me that desires fellowship and they seem to be in conflict with each other fairly often.

People have lots of random fears.  You can be medically diagnosed with everything from fear of death (normal) to fear of being shot by a spider (not normal).  But my biggest fear isn't that something will happen to me, it's that something won't.  Since an early age, my number one fear has been to be alone.  I'm not talking about the act of physically being by myself.  I mean I'm afraid of having no significant connection to anyone.  To be devalued.  To not have anyone care.

There have been many times in my life, even as recently as a few weeks ago, where I get caught up in my own mind and allow it to run away from me.  In dark times, it whispers to me:

Your friends are fake.  The moment you move away they will abandon you.

No one will miss you- just go drive into that tree over there.

You actually think your life has value to anyone?  You don't belong and you know it...

It is scary to get bogged down in depression.  It feels like struggling through quicksand- the more you try to fight it, the deeper it sucks you in.  I know I am not alone in the struggle of the human heart to feel loved.  We live in a culture that devalues people and calls it humor.  I hate that.  Sarcasm is the American dialect, yet it serves only to tear down and belittle, again in the name of humor.

 Humanity is fundamentally flawed- I like to call it sin (so does Jesus, by the way).  We were originally created to be in perfect relationship with God, but that relationship was broken when sin entered the world through our first father Adam.  As a result, our natural state is one that is separated from relationship with God- the very thing that our souls long for.  Humanity itself is lonely.  It fills the hole in its heart with all manner of things: alcohol, drugs, sports, sex, money, entertainment- but it never satisfies.

We individuals, as a microcosm of humanity, long to fill the hole in our hearts.  We are all lonely and the sad thing is that some of us don't recognize it because we are convinced that what we are indulging in to ease the hurt will somehow fulfill us.

For Christians who have been justified before God and now have a relationship with him again, the important thing to understand is that our desire for each other is a good thing.  As the body of Christ, the church exists to help heal the hurts of the soul.  We are meant to come alongside each other in meaningful relationship.  I am so grateful for all of the brothers and sisters that I have in my life- they bring me much joy and I would do anything for them.  BUT we must be wary of turning relationship with each other from a good thing into an ultimate thing.  The ultimate thing is, was, and will always be God.  When we exult relationships to that high a position, we no longer have relationship with Jesus in view.  And since relationship with Jesus is the only thing that satisfies, when you lose that focus, you become depressed because people will let you down.

But Jesus has love for you that is more than what any human could have for you.  And his love is not dependent on anything we do.  He continues to love us even when we mess up (which is a HUGE encouragement to people like me who mess up a lot).

""Though the mountains be shaken and the hills be removed, yet my unfailing love for you will not be shaken nor my covenant of peace be removed," says the Lord who has compassion on you." (Isaiah 54:10)


"Who shall separate us from the love of Christ?  Shall trouble or hardship or persecution or famine or nakedness or danger or sword?  As it is written: 'For your sake we face death all day long; we are considered as sheep to be slaughtered.'  No, in all these things we are more than conquerors through him who loved us.  For I am convinced that neither death nor life, neither angels nor demons, neither the present nor the future, nor any powers, neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Jesus Christ our Lord." (Romans 8:35-39)


So when facing the fear of loneliness, remember that if you have been forgiven and adopted into God's family through Jesus, you will never be alone.  And if you understand that the Church is the Body of Christ, you know that you shouldn't have to face isolation from other humans either, for the church exists to comfort and heal the broken and lead each other towards God.

As for me, I know I need to be more intentional about letting others know how much I value them.  If I hope to be valued, I need to reciprocate.  That is what relationship is: both parties contributing something.  So for all my readers, whether they be close friends or total strangers, know that you are loved and that God desires to know and love you more than any individual you will encounter.

Be blessed!